In French grammar, we have two second-person-singular pronouns: Tu and Vous. For many French learners, it can be difficult to understand which way to say “you” in French you should use!
As with so many things in French grammar, there are rules. The rules depend on many situations: it’s all about respect for other people, and some unwritten rules of French conversation.
The theory behind “tu” or “vous” is relatively easy — but real life is more complicated! It’s like la bise all over again…
But don’t worry, I’m here to help! Today, I’ll help you understand when to use tu and vous in everyday French conversation.
Bonjour c’est Géraldine.
Bienvenue sur Comme une Française. C’est parti !
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1) The theory
Using Tu with someone is called tutoyer (= “to use “tu” with someone”) or le tutoiement (= “the act of using “tu” with someone.”)
For example: Tu vas bien, Michel? (= How are you, Michel?)
It’s mainly used with equals to signify friendship or a close relationship, or with people much younger than you → Use tu with friends or children.
***
Similarly, using vous is called vouvoyer (= “to use “vous” with someone”) or le vouvoiement (= “the act of using “vous” with someone.”)
For example: Excusez-moi, madame ! Vous allez bien ? (= Excuse me, madam. Are you alright?)
It’s mainly used for strangers and/or to show respect for others and/or with people who are much older than you → Use vous with your baker, your professor, and older people you don’t know.
These are the most simple rules. But, of course, there’s one flaw: what if you become friends with someone? Can you switch from “vous” to “tu” ? Yes — but it’s important to learn the correct way of doing this, which we’ll look at next.
A first approximation for “tu” or “vous” is “are you on a first-name basis?”
You probably don’t know the first name of your baker or a random stranger on the street, so you should use “vous”. If you call your teacher “Madame Blanc”, you should probably use “vous” ; if she insists you call her “Mélanie”, then you can probably use “tu”. It’s a decent rule of thumb.
2) Becoming friends
When becoming friends with someone, you can go from using “vous” to “tu”.
There’s a staple sentence you can use, like a “sacred door” to becoming friends! It’s:
→ On se tutoie ?
(= Can we say “tu” to each other? → “Se tutoyer” = “tutoyer” each other)
You can say it to clear the “tu/vous” ambiguity, for instance with:
– Someone you’re becoming friends with.
– Friends of friends
– In the workplace
The workplace use of “tu” or “vous” is complicated. It’s similar to using your colleague’s first name or last name: it depends on the company culture.
However, if you’re ever unsure, you can still say “vous” anyway out of respect, even if you’re close to someone. It’s a bit old-fashioned, but elegant.
3) The respectful “vous”
My in-laws say “tu” to me, but I use “vous” for them – I want to show them respect.
This isn’t the same for all French families, however. It will depend on family tradition and dynamics. Some friends of mine do say “tu” to their in-laws.
I’ll probably never switch to “tu” to my in-laws; but I did have to switch for les amis de mes parents (= my parents’ friends.) When I was a child, I used “vous” for all adults, but now that we’re all grown ups, I had to make the awkward and painful switch to “tu” – or else it would mean that I was still putting them in the “older people” category.
It was a big effort for me at the time!
You see: rules change! We have the same age difference, but the situation changed. It’s all about how you position yourself in a setting.
4) When to use “vous” AND “tu”
You might use “vous” with someone. You might use “tu”. And sometimes… you might use both! Life’s messy, especially when French grammar is concerned.
This situation is a bit peculiar, but you might use “vous” when talking with someone on stage to show respect and distance, but “tu” backstage – because in reality you know each other well. (That’s what happen on TV or politics; sometimes you can hear them slip, or defy that convention.)
But it also happens in “real life” conversations! For example it happened to me, on a Sunday afternoon two weeks ago.
We regularly visit une pédiatre (= a pediatrician) for my son.
We say “vous” to each other, because we’re both grown-ups and she’s his doctor.
I will teach my son to say “vous” to her, and she’ll say “tu” to him because he’s a child.
But, this doctor also happens to be a close friend of one of my childhood friends. And so, two weeks ago, while I was out on a walk with our common friends, we bumped into the pediatrician… and all of my friends said “tu” to her!
What should I do in such a situation?! Well, the doctor and I both used “tu” as well. And when I my son to see her in her office a week later, we addressed each other as “vous”, again.
You see, it’s weird and we both knew it, but we used what was best for the situation.
5) How to hurt someone’s feelings or start a fight with “tu” or “vous”
As we’ve seen, vous is used to show respect (or with older people), while tu signifies closeness (or is used with children). It obviously creates difficult social situations!
For instance:
- Someone that’s 5-10 years younger than you uses “vous” out of respect because they see you as an “older person” – while you thought you were still their age! It’s a classic situation, and it happens to all of us. It hurts the ego a bit the first few times.
- You’re in a difficult situation with a stranger: they’re drunk, aggressive and/or unstable. Do not use tu! They might think it’s arrogant or condescending (as if you’ve called them “my friend”, when you’re not actually their friend). Strangers arguing often say “Tu me tutoies pas !”, for instance. You can stick with a firm “vous” instead.
6) Recap: What should YOU do?
So, you know the theory and some of the strange French grammar rules when using “tu” or “vous”. You’ve seen a few real-life examples of complications. Now — what should YOU do in French conversation?
Here are some things to keep in mind:
Rule #1: No one will be mad at you for using “vous” instead of “tu”. So, when in doubt, just use “vous”.
Rule #2: Think ahead, using the theory.
Rule #3: Like for “la bise”, follow the other person’s lead, unless speaking to a child.
Too often, foreigners have used “vous” with me when I was clearly using “tu”. This is where the situation becomes awkward, when you don’t follow the lead.
→ If you got it wrong, listen and correct yourself. This is a difficult thing to remember and practice, even for French people! Don’t worry if you make a mistake.
Et toi ?
I told you MY difficult situations with “tu” and “vous”
Your turn now! I want to hear from you:
Can you share a situation where you struggled with “tu” and “vous”?
Or a situation where you still don’t know which to use?
Share your experience or difficulties in the comment section!
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Allez, salut 🙂
When addressing an old girl friend of 20 years ago, ( we have been out of touch for 29 years) should I use tu or vous. Vous seems to been the correct one here, but does that not come across as too cold?
Bonjour,
Ça dépend … However, if you are meeting again, I would think that “tu” is acceptable as a friend of yours.
Fabien
Comme Une Française Team
I’ve always been unsure whether to tutoie teenagers I am meeting for the first time. One stops using tu with children at what age, please?
Bonjour,
Cela dépend. There is no definite age when to stop using “tu” with children. However, when unsure, I would use the “vous” form.
Bonne journée,
Fabien
Comme Une Française Team
Nous avons la même situation avec l’infirmière du coin. On la voit souvent avec son époux et elle nous tutoie. Dans le centre médicale, elle nous vousvoie. Quand je l’ai demandé d’expliquer, elle a dit la même chose que vous. Mais elle se plante souvent donc je comprends que c’est vraiment difficile.
Bonjour Geraldine! Ce seance me plait parce que je “struggle” avec ce qu’ est approprie pour ma tutor francaise. J’ai utilise “vous” depuis trois ans, mais maintenant on se rencontre par “Zoom” je voudrais utiliser “tu”. Je suis 67, elle est 30; je sent que “vous” offre plus de respect pour une enseignante. Qu’ en pensez-vous?
Bonjour Holly!
C’est compliqué. La meilleure chose à faire, c’est de lui demander : “On peut se dire ‘tu’ ?” “On peut se tutoyer ?”
If you’ve come to know her well (or worked with her more than, like, twice), she’ll probably be happy to switch to “tu.”
Bonne journée,
– Arthur, writer for Comme une Française
Bonjour Geraldine. I’m curious as to how children in France address one another? Do young children address their classmates as vous?
Bonjour Nicole,
They use “tu”.
Merci pour tous ces conseils. Je fais partie d’un groupe de conversation française où la plupart des participants sont plus âgés que moi. Au début, je vouvoyais tout le monde. Je suis devenu ami avec une dame en particulier et on se tutoie maintenant. Tous les autres se tutoient parce qu’ils se connaissent depuis très longtemps (20 ans). Après ton conseil, je pourrais tutoyer tout le monde parce qu’ils le font tous. Comme nous sommes presque tous des australiens et non pas français, cela le rend peut-être plus facile – nous sommes très détendus et informels. Pourtant, j’hésite encore pour la dame française qui est très gentille, mais plus âgée que moi. Oh que c’est compliqué. Le plus gros problème pour moi est de se rappeler avec qui j’ai commencé à se tutoyer! 😀
Bonjour Karen,
Tu as tout à fait raison, essaye !
Ahaha, c’est classique d’oublier qui on a tutoyé. Ça m’arrive aussi. 🙂
Thank you for this lesson (as always). I live in Lyon and have been getting my hair cut for over a year at an elegant salon by a coiffeur named Quentin. We address each other as “vous” but I hear other clients in the salon using “tu” with their hairdressers. I would say that Quentin is about 20 years younger than me. I keep wondering if I should try to switch to using “tu” because I like him very much and want him to know that…. what do you think? Merci beaucoup!
Bonjour Ann,
Great question.
First, be reassured. Using “tu” or “vous” is completely disconnected with the amount of appreciation and respect you have for this person.
But if you feel like switching, just ask “On se tutoie ?”. And tadaaaa. Here you go. 🙂
J’ai des questions. Jeune enfants, tutoient-ils avec ses parents? Plus ages enfants, tutoient-ils avec leurs parents? Et moi, j’ai 76 ans. Tutoie-je avec les moins ages? Ai-je fait des erreurs dans cettes phrases?
Bonjour Norton,
Les enfants tutoient leur parents.
Tu peux tutoyer les gens plus jeunes que toi.
I’ve been studying French for this past year, and at the beginning, I addressed my teacher with vous although he addresses me and the other students with tu. Now that we’ve become a bit familiar with each other, I’m not sure if I should use tu with him or continue to use vous
Bonjour Tito, you can keep using “vous” with a teacher.
Merci Géraldine j’espère que j’utilise la forme correcte, il semble être automatique avec moi maintenant. Bonne journée
Anne
Quand j’ai passé une année scolaire à l’université chez une famille française, il y a trente ans, on se tutoyait avec la jeune femme de mon âge, mais il fallait vouvoyer les parents. Je croyais que cela allait changer après quelques semaines, mais Ils me vouvoyaient jusqu’à la fin de mon séjour et même aujourd’hui dans les cartes de vœux pour Noël. Ça m’a beaucoup surprise!
Bonjour Shelley,
En effet, tu vois, parfois, ça ne change jamais.
Je suis invité chez ma chère voisine pour un apéro. On a se connais depuis plusieurs années et on se tutoie. Malheureusement son mari décédé il y a trois ans. Ce soir étais la première fois chez elle après son nouveau ami à déménager chez elle. On l’a rencontré plusieurs fois et lui dit son prénom. Il a mon âge. Tout la soirée j’ai lui dis vous et en même temps dis tu a sa femme!
Bizarre mais normal!?!
Bonjour Boel,
Vous allez probablement finir par vous tutoyer.
When I was newly living in France, I addressed a friend’s 90 year old mother with “tu”.
She’s a good friend of many years, and I had only spoken with her in English before, This was my first foray in speaking with her in French
I realized my mistake quickly.
There’s a certain generation and perhaps social strata where vous is used always.
Had I been paying attention, I would have noticed that she and her friends always use vous. Then I noticed that even mother and son used vous with each other.
Well spotted, Veronica!
Chère Géraldine, je ne suis jamais allée en France, donc honnêtement, je n’ai jamais été dans une situation où je devais choisir entre «tu» et «vous», en s’adressant à une autre personne. En Australie, où l’anglais est principalement parlé, nous nous adressons à une personne en “you” disant {familiar way = tu en français}.Nous ne utilison pas “Vous”. Parfois, nous pouvons ajouter “Oui monsieur / madame” par respect.
C’est comme Jean Paul Sartre et Simone de Beauvoir. Ils ont employé le vouvoiement entre eux même pendant toute leur vies.
Tout à fait.
This is a big difference between french and spanish. When I lived in Spain, I noticed that all young people use “tu”, even if they don’t know one another. Very rarely did you hear the equivalent of “vous” singular (“usted”).
Then I decided to start taking French classes, and I used “tu” with my French teacher. Very quickly did I learn that you shouldn’t do this with a French person, since they prefer “vous” until they’ve agreed you can use “tu” with them.
All in all, social norms around language are far more rigid in France than in Spain. But even in other french-speaking countries like Canada people don’t use “vous” as much as the french.
That’s interesting! Different usage of “vous” depending on the culture.
And in Mexico, the use is even different! 🙂