Saying « bonjour » twice: don’t make this expat mistake

Bonjour,
There is a reason for this I think. I am a French native myself and I have lived in New Zealand for the last 20 years. At work, one of my colleague tells me “Bonjour!” in the morning. So far, so good. She tells me she took French at school when she was 13 years old and dropped from that class soon after, so Bonjour is basically the only word she knows in French. So far, so good. Now, lately she has been giving me a “Bonjour!” every single time she has something to ask me. And this to me is a form of passive aggressive. You don’t need to tell the same person hello ten times a day. In fact if I was Japanese, Chinese or Iranian, I strongly suspect she would not dare to tell me Kon’nichiwa, Nǐ hǎo or Salam because she would be systematically tagged as a bigot or even a racist in the current woke era. As a matter of fact, one of our colleague is Chinese, we have lots of different Nationalities, one of our Principals is half Irish, half Iranian, I have never heard my colleague address them in their native language. Here is the thing, there is a threshold in my native France where beyond a certain point, your perceived interest for my Culture becomes not so genuine and therefore it becomes insulting. Like the person is literally taking the proverbial piss. If you have a genuine interest in my language, you don’t need to try to impress me. Take a class and maybe we can try a discussion and maybe I can help you on the way. The thing is that the French language for any Anglo-Saxon natives is still seen has something of a social status of some sort, the old diplomatic language in a way. So, some people think French people will somehow be impressed if you tell them “Bonjour!” ten times a day. The reality is it has the same effect as calling a waiter “Garcon!” which incidentally she did when I was not responding so it was indeed passive aggressive and truth be told, I perceived her as a bit of a spoiled brat who don’t like to be said no. And here is another important clue for you: we do have spoiled brats in France but French mothers of my mum’s generation and before (I was born in the late 70s) never really spoiled their children. In New Zealand, I see mothers taking their 4 or 5 years old child in a prom with their feet dragging on the floor. I have photos of me with my mum in the late 70s early 80s and there is no prom, I walk and I remember my mum telling me “I am not carrying, you’re not a baby” when we were walking in the nearby park. Back then because of the sexual liberation, prominent sociologists wrote about the “enfant roi” (child king) phenomenon, meaning children who rule their parents. So French parents back then and before would never raise their children giving them too much importance. In fact, French TV programs were already treating children like adults. As a result, we tend to say things only when we mean it. I give an example. The expression “don’t be a stranger” does not exist in French, we could of course translate it but people would look at you like you are from another planet. If I don’t want you to be a stranger, then I make you part of my life and if you accept me in your life, then eventually we will learn about each other and we will cease to be strangers. For Anglo-Saxon, it is nothing else but a “formule de politesse” (politeness formula), it does not engage you at all. In fact I hear it all the time whenever a colleague leave the company. But in reality, if you have not talked to that person for the 5 years she was an employee, the chances of you becoming anything else but strangers once she has gone is thinner than cigarette paper. The language cannot become a figure of speech, otherwise it has no meaning. So when you tell the same person “Bonjour!” ten times a day, it shows not only you have no genuine interest for that person or her Culture but that person may think you are using blatant flattery to obtain something. That’s exactly how I felt and eventually I told her with a smile, you don’t have to tell me “Bonjour!” every time you want to ask something but if you see me working, don’t expect to stop what I am doing just because you learned one word in French, what you should do is ask me politely if I can come and see you when I am done. This is what educated descent people do. If you are not an “enfant roi” then you have learned that other people are not at your service. You still have to apply the normal courtesy. So of course we are in New Zealand, not in France, but since she addressed me in the one word she knows in French, I would not pass on the opportunity to teach a little about how French people react when you tell them “Bonjour!” ten times a day. Now, there is a way to say it as well, it can be said innocently or it can be said more forcefully when the person who shows flattery expect something off you in return. Regretfully, you won’t get anything from except maybe a very annoyed look on my face after the tenth. My best friends in New Zealand are all from the Polynesian Islands, Tonga, Samoa and Fiji and I have a couple of friends from Poland and the Philippines. I have never addressed them in their native language and they have never addressed me in French but our friendship is genuine and I will never tell them don’t be a stranger because I have made them part of my life and they have accepted in theirs. I don’t need people to address me in my language, although I will be happily surprised if they do as long as it is genuine. Tell me something about a book you read in French and that would be a great start. I can see how my colleague who tells me “Bonjour!” ten times a day could see me as arrogant but that’s the way I was raised really. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it you don’t have to.

Bonsoir Geraldine,

Si une personnel se trompe et dit “bonjour” deux fois, qu’est-ce qu’ on doix dire ou faire pour ne pas être impoli?

Merci! (J’aime tes videos. Très utile! T’as l’air geniale.)

David

Veux tu m’épouser ? { : ^ )

J’ai appris cette règle pour la première fois aujourd’hui. Merci!